Hello meat sacks, evil Minion Master Gnarl here again; back to bring a little more blackness into your already miserable lives. I had to ‘persuade’ those pathetic beings at Codemasters into putting more of my musings onto this magical marvel they call the ‘Inta-knets’ but only fifteen browns died in the process and there’s plenty more pokers left so it matters not.
This week, I thought it was time to give one of my Netherghūls a voice. Lady-sacks and gentle-sacks, meet Inferna, the fire warrior! Here, she recounts a typical day in the undeath of an Overlord-in-waiting as she terrorises the peasants of Summervale. Take it away, dark warrior!
Puny humans! It is I, Inferna! Bow before my beauty! Tremble before my power! Wibble before my mighty sword!
Yes, yes, Inferna, can we please get on with it?
Apologies, oh great short one, but must I really talk to these meatsacks? It’s demeaning…
Do as I command, so they can fully appreciate your evil majesty!
If I must, oh wrinkly one…
One day, after a particularly hard day’s battling my way through the depths of the volcanic abyss that is the Netherdeep, I finally made it out into the beautiful bright sunshine. There I was, surrounded by fields of corn, patches of sunflowers and meadows as far as the eye can see…it was disgusting! Gnarl had told me about this place; Summervale, land of the peasants, and they’d been busy rebuilding their lives after the last reign of the Overlord.
Time to wake them from their stupor!
I was a little apprehensive taking on this task without the aid of my Netherghūl colleagues, however, I had been lucky enough to find plenty of loot during my adventures in the Netherdeep and had saved enough to buy myself a new weapon from Ricket, our resident blacksmith – the Minion Warhammer! Without giving too much away, let’s just say this weapon is an essential stock item for any aspiring evil Overlord’s weapons cache.
Anyway, back to the Summervale farmland. Inspired by my newly acquired, highly-lethal hammer, the Blues, Greens, Browns and particularly Reds (they get a little crazy when you let them loose, you know) were ready to loot and pillage on behalf of their Netherghūl master.
As my minions and I started through the farmland, I thought that it would be best to summon a green to scout ahead, just in case any members of those pesky do-gooders, The Shining Justice were to show up.
Immediately, he spotted something in the distance; I had no idea what but I wanted to find out. I sprinted (well, it was more of a shuffled jog due to my amour; it gets pretty warm in there) to find complete and utter carnage ahead of me. Villagers were running in sheer terror as the lone green caused chaos. A few got away but I wasn’t too worried; I’m sure they died of fright later.
If one green could cause so much grief, I was keen to press on and see what delightful chaos we could cause when I summoned more…
Happy with our initial attack I recalled the green to my side. In the distance I spotted what looked like a small fishing community next to a stretch of water. As I got closer, I realised it had been recently abandoned. Eager to test out my new weapon, I went in swinging. Chairs went flying, tables overturned; I swung like a madwoman possessed. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy smashing things needlessly!? I had free reign over the village and was doing a damn fine job of Netherghūling if I say so myself!
But just when I was having the time of my death, I found myself trapped. Those pesky villagers had had informed The Shining Justice of my presence and Paladins, Mages, and of course, those filthy Elves, all turned up and charged directly at me. Even my dark majesty didn’t stand a chance alone. However, I knew exactly what to do. Summoning three red minions, each with a bomb strapped to their backs, I sent them charging into the fray. Delicious explosions lit up the sky and all was quiet. After the dust had settled, nothing remained. In true minion spirit they had sacrificed themselves for their master. Bless their scabby hearts.
Unfortunately the Mages had kept their distance and continued to blast me with ice and fire. Frozen to the spot and unable to reach them, I was taking some serious flak. This was a situation perfectly suited to the hardy browns’ talents. As they took a barrage of fireballs and ice shards for me, I was able to flank the Mages and dispatch them using my abyssal scythe special ability, it was beautifully evil.
The battle was over and I was rewarded with dozens of loot chests. As they exploded with gems I sent my minions out to collect the loot for me, and they obediently gathered it all up while I basked in my magnificent glory.
As you will learn, meatsacks, running an efficient reign of terror is all about the synergy of different minions and their skills. I am a proficient melee specialist but those ranged enemies can be a real pain in the undergarments. Summoning a green to teleport and stun the enemy, and then following up with a suicidal red to finish them off soon fixes the problem, though. And if, by some miracle, anything survives, I simply summon a brown to stand between me and my foes. This is never pretty; those browns leave a right mess!
Where was I? Ah yes. As I traversed deeper into enemy territory it was inevitable that The Shining Justice would send all they had. Running through the middle of the centre of the village was a stream and the only way out of the village was over the bridge. As I approached, I realised the enemy were going to funnel themselves over the bridge; this was too easy! I quickly used my summon-all spell and every single one of my minions was launched over the bridge. Elves went flying, Mages were obliterated and Paladins didn’t know which way was up. His dark majesty the Overlord would have been proud.
What I didn’t count on were enemy reinforcements approaching from behind, in the shape of an Extravagantly Shiny Do-Gooder. I hate those guys! Dressed in golden full plate armour, they tower above everything else and are a formidable foe indeed. I had no minions! All my little guys had been slain after I’d summoned them and against the Do-Gooder’s shield my weapon was next to useless. But as he pummelled me, my Minion Warhammer glowed, signalling I could once again summon minions. I conjured a blue, who showered me in a blanket of soothing, healing goodness, giving me time to regain my senses.
Revitalised, I summoned the rest of my minions. While the browns taunted the Do-Gooder, the greens snuck behind and landed a few good hits when he was vulnerable. As the Do-Gooder turned around to chase the greens, the blues slowed him down with their debuff attack. I knew he was vulnerable so I took the chance to charge alongside my red minions and land as many blows as I could. With a groan he clattered to the floor. Victory was mine!
Weary from battle, I returned home to enjoy some panda kebab and rest my necrotic flesh safe in the knowledge that evil had gained a little more ground in the war against the sickening forces of good.
Can I go now, Gnarl?
Off you trot, Inferna, there’s sheep to be terrorised. Tune in next week, meatsacks, for more tales of evil doings.
Until then, remember, it’s good to be bad but it’s GREAT to be evil….